Monday, December 11, 2023
HomeSatireMexico named "best destination for those who love thrill of being kidnapped"

Mexico named “best destination for those who love thrill of being kidnapped”

TIJUANA – Thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies have a new bucket list destination in their sights after Mexico has been named “best destination for those who love the thrill of being kidnapped.”

Jeff Sanderson, the CEO of a Denver-based company, had been looking for new ways to spend his modest fortune. The adrenaline-seeking 47-year-old divorcee had tried just about everything from bungee jumping, to skydiving, swimming with sharks, mainlining coke off a Columbian meth addict’s thigh, and even unmasked paintball. However, it was his recent trip to Ensenada Mexico that helped him discover his new favorite hobby: cartel kidnapping.

And he’s not alone.

At first, a boutique industry in Mexico’s border towns, the business of kidnapping tourists has exploded over the last few years as thrill-seeking Americans book trips through cartel territory in hopes that they will get napped by cartel henchmen, tortured for a few days, and left for dead on the side of a trash heap.

Now, the Mexican government has embraced the once-cottage-sized industry, marketing the border towns and popular beach resorts as the “best kidnapper-friendly destination” in the world. Both kidnappers and kidnappees are coming from around the world, and especially in the United States, to get nabbed by cartel members.

Smaller gangs and less organized cartels are given consulting services, sponsored by the federal government, on how to properly implement a tourist kidnapping program. Topics covered include things like, how to identify a valuable target at a Hilton, or methods to minimize screaming during the kidnapping process. Other classes describe how to set a reasonable ransom request or proper methods to torture without killing.

Thus far, the program is working. Sanderson, our Denver-based CEO, had this to say, “It was amazing. The 4-guys who nabbed me outside of a taco shop in Ensanada were great. After burning me with a blowtorch for a few hours, they ripped all of my fingernails off, threatened to shock my testicles, and even whipped me for 10 minutes or so (although that was an extra fee). They couldn’t have been nicer guys and this adventure goes down as one of my favorites.”

Tourists seeking to add this thrill to their next travel bucket list simply need to cross the border into literally any Mexican border town or visit any Mexican beach resort for that chance at this bucket list adventure.

The post you are reading is…satire



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